


Certainty, Hope, and a Promise

by Beckyhelene



Series: Life’s Little Ironies [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Magnus and Alec make-up talk, Missing Moments, Not Beta Read, Simon/Isabelle on the side, a dash of Clary/Jace, mid 3x22, reflective angst?, this got a whole lot longer than originally intended, well post-angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22296319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beckyhelene/pseuds/Beckyhelene
Summary: (Missing moments between leaving Edom and lying in bed together next morning) In the aftermath of Edom, and everything that came before it, the newly reunited and engaged Magnus and Alec have a talk
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Life’s Little Ironies [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643626
Comments: 20
Kudos: 174





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first Shadowhunters fic eeee!  
> Recently fell into the show, binged the whole series (thank you, Hulu!) in three days, and am now complete Malec trash, haha! Hope you guys like this little ficcy of mine :)

Everything had been a whirlwind, a flurry of non-stop action and talking about everything that had just transpired.

_Clary undoing her alliance rune, severing the fresh metaphysical connections between them._ Magnus had felt a swirl of conflicting emotions as he watched the link between Alec and Lorenzo vanish. A twinge of unnecessary jealousy and resentment at his lover— _fiancé,_ oh Magnus did love that word—having been tethered to Lorenzo of all people. Sense trying to snuff out that feeling with the fact that regardless of the animosity the two warlocks had shared, Lorenzo had stood beside them all in a great hour of need. Relief (and smug satisfaction) at now being back to being the only warlock linked to his Alexander. And lastly, a small flash of sadness as he wondered what Alec being part-warlock could’ve meant for them and their possible much longer than originally thought future together, now fading away. Magnus had been quick to dismiss that feeling. It didn’t matter how long or short their time together would be. Magnus was now holding onto the reality that there was a future together to be had. 

_All of them worriedly huddled around watching Isabelle as she was examined for any lingering ill effects of Heavenly Fire._ Magnus stood close to Alec as he worriedly chewed on the tip of his thumbnail, his eyes not leaving his sister. Magnus had rubbed the space between Alec’s shoulder blades in hopes to comfort and soothe his worries. He had felt a thrill of accomplishment at the tense knots in Alec’s back melting away at his touch, and how Alec leaned closer towards him.   
  


_The moment of happiness and hugs once Isabelle was given the all-clear._ There was Simon, excitedly chattering away unsurprisingly, catching Magnus up to speed on what had happened to Isabelle. Magnus was surprised (or, more accurately, surprised by how not surprised he was) at the soft happy expression on Isabelle’s face as Simon reached a certain part in his tale: how the Heavenly Fire made coming in contact with anyone in possession of demon blood a risk, but that was now in the past. Magnus was equally surprised-yet-not surprised by the dreamy eyed smile on Simon’s face and the way he looked at Isabelle when he rounded down to again reiterate how it was no longer in the way of “....uh, you know....anything....uh, Shadowhunter-y.” Magnus couldn’t help smile and share a look with the others as he spied Isabelle “inconspicuously” touching Simon’s hand, as if proving to herself that whatever had begun to brew between them was back to being possible.

_A pause being put on the celebrations as business took over._ There were meetings, briefings, a whole palaver to discuss what had happened in Edom, what lasting effects its destruction could have. Magnus’s need to have a moment with Alec only growing, his body practically buzzing. He had somehow managed to maintain the facade of composure as he sat with the others and listened to Alec, in pure Head of the New York Institute mode, giving orders to teams to patrol for any dangers. Any demons that might’ve found their way out of hell some time now possibly driven into a frenzy if feeling the loss of Edom. Magnus caught Alec running his thumb over his ring—his _engagement_ ring, oh Magnus did love that thought—as he spoke. The way one of the corners of his mouth momentarily lifted into a smile as he touched his ring, it was near maddening. Magnus had to clench his fists on his lap to keep from bursting with emotion.

_Even more business._ After dispatching teams, Alec had retreated to his office to send out messages to inform The Clave of what had happened, inquire on Alicante’s recovery, offer to send help if needed.   
  


“I think he feels he’s been irresponsible,” Isabelle commented. Alec had left with only a brief moment of contact to Magnus: a trailing stroke on the warlock’s arm, a lingering holding of his hand, and a meaningful look that spoke of a promise to return and sink into their long awaited joy soon. Isabelle had caught the forlorn look on Magnus’s face as he watched Alec leave.

”Mounting a rescue attempt to the depths of hell seems anything but irresponsible,” Magnus quipped. “Foolhardy, maybe,” he added after a moment.   
  


“He’d spent almost all of his time since we returned from Alicante searching for a way to bring you back,” Isabelle stated. “Now that he’s whole again, I guess he feels he needs to go back to being in charge.”

Magnus felt his heart swell at Isabelle’s words. Of course Alec wouldn’t have just accepted the idea of being forever parted. He’d been so certain in his assurance that “it’s only Edom”, and that Magnus would be back. Hearing of Alec’s determination warmed Magnus to his core. 

Magnus himself hadn’t been as sure. He had resigned himself to his lot in life as the Prince of Hell, an eternity in Edom. He had held onto what comforts that left him: the certainty that it kept Alec and the others safe, kept the world safe from an unending stream of demons; a hope, no matter how vain and foolish, that he might someday see Alexander again, and the promise—even if it’d forever remain unfulfilled—that came with the ring Alec had placed onto his finger.

There was also the concept of Alec being made whole again. It filled his head with such reflection. A reflection he couldn’t at the moment delve too deep into as he caught Isabelle giving him a wide grin, her body practically vibrating with happiness.

”At least for now, before he dives into wedding planning,” Isabelle added, excitement shining in her eyes. Her grin and glee were infectious, leaving Magnus unable to keep from smiling broadly in return. His soon to be sister-in-law—oh Magnus could not get enough of such thoughts—practically launched herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. “I am so happy for you both,” she said. 

”With everything that happened, we never got a chance to celebrate you two getting engaged,” he heard Clary say from his other side, leaning into him as the two girls—his soon to be sister-in-law, and future more than likely....parabatai-slash-pseudo-sister-in-law once removed?—embraced him.  
  


“Thank you, Biscuit,” Magnus murmured, touched. He slipped an arm around each of them and hugged them close.

”It’s really great there’s no Heavenly Fire to worry about,” Simon joked, “it’d really suck if you’d spontaneously combust anytime you wanted to hug your brother-in-law, huh Iz?” Isabelle chuckled, “slyly” giving Simon a look that said there were many reasons she was happy to no longer have to worry about such things.

”I still can’t believe you went to Edom all alone,” Magnus commented, retracting from the embrace with Clary and Isabelle to fix the dark haired girl with a chastising look. “What were you thinking?” Isabelle sighed and rolled her eyes. She opened her mouth to mount a defense of her actions when Simon’s voice cut in.

”I know, right?” He said, agreeing with Magnus and giving Isabelle a look just as chiding as Magnus had. “Between that, and Alec wanting me to make him a vampire, I’m starting to think ‘really really _unbelievably_ bad ideas’ is a Lightwood family trait.” Simon had been so caught up in his tizzy, he didn’t notice Magnus going completely rigid in shock or Clary, Isabelle, and even Jace giving him a warning look until it was too late. “Oh...” Simon breathed out, once he caught on. “....I really should’ve kept my mouth shut....”

”I’ve always thought so,” Jace quipped, earning him a light nudge of the elbow from Clary.   
  


“He _**what**_?!” Magnus hissed, doing everything in his power to keep from exploding at that new information. The urge to rage and burst into Alec’s office bloomed inside of him. How could Alec even consider something so extreme as sacrificing his humanity? His life? He wanted to grab Alec’s shoulders and shake him fiercely for having such a plan cross his mind. Alec was not allowed to die, not now, not for a very very long time.

But...he wouldn’t have died, a seedy selfish voice in Magnus’s head pointed out. Technically, yes as far as a heartbeat went, Alec would’ve been dead, but in the end....given immortality....allowing the two centuries, if not an eternity, together instead of just decades...

_**No**_! Magnus banished that wistful line of thought. Idly toying with a fantasy of a future Alec’s link with Lorenzo could’ve granted was one thing, but this was something else completely. What good was eternity if it gave Alec a half-life stuck in the shadows? A life stripped of being a Shadowhunter? Of the career and life he loved? And to say nothing of what such a thing could have done to Alec. Luke may have survived going from a Shadowhunter to a werewolf, but who was to say the same could’ve been said for Alec? The variables of lycanthropy vs. vampirism, as well as differences in the two men physically and mentally, were too much to even think about. An irreversible shove into a Downworlder life would’ve been detrimental to Alec, in a myriad of ways.

”It doesn’t matter now,” Isabelle insisted, her voice bringing Magnus out of his own thoughts as she tried to cajole him to remain calm. “It didn’t come to that, and we never would’ve let it.” She gave them all a look to point out that her very own action of seeking help from Meliorn to travel into Edom was for that exact reason. To keep her brother from doing something so drastic.

”Right, right,” Simon nodded. “I mean, no way would I have ever...” He fervently shook his head. “Yeah, no, me? I think we’ve all learned I am definitely not sire material.” His expression momentarily darkened with sadness, haunted by a memory. He shook his head again to banish it away. “And, I mean, yeah, no, no way would I bite Alec anyway, of course.”

”And we would’ve locked him up in the cells if he had even thought about trying to head out and find some other vampire to do it,” Jace added. Which was very close to what had happened. They hadn’t had to go as far as needing to stop Alec from seeking help elsewhere—Alec had solely focused on trying to convince Simon to do it, likely because he knew and trusted Simon, to even consider the thought of running off to the Hotel DuMort or anywhere else, practically ringing a dinner bell for any vampire he saw—though Jace was ready should that need have arisen. He had stood by, ready to even knock Alec out if he absolutely had to, if Alec had so much as glanced at the door to leave. They had all been so focused on keeping Alec from doing anything crazy, they hadn’t even noticed Isabelle had left the Institute until Meliorn arrived and informed them of her plan.   
  


“He was just so worried about you facing Lilith on your own, we all were,” Clary contributed, giving his arm a reassuring squeeze. “But no one would’ve let him go off the deep end like that, you know that.”   
  


Magnus shut his eyes and took in a slow steadying breath, urging himself to allow all of his friends’—his family’s—words penetrate and undo the tight knot in his chest. Of course. Of course. Even if Alec had been desperate enough to shove his neck or wrist at Simon, the young vampire would never have done it. If Alec had been crazy enough to cut himself to tempt Simon into feeding, Simon would’ve shut _himself_ in a cell to keep from succumbing to it, and the others would’ve helped him do it. Jace would’ve used their parabatai bond to reach and disuade him, and if needed tied Alec down or otherwise incapacitated him before he’d ever allow Alec try to find another path to vampirism. Isabelle would’ve tried to bring reason to the forefront of Alec’s mind; tried to make him think of their family, how much their mother had already been through, how difficult life as a vampire could be (likely with Simon chiming in beside her with his own insights in that matter). Clary would’ve tried to make Alec see this wouldn’t be what Magnus would want, and failing that, try to get him to see sense that time needed to transition to a vampire—not just physically, but emotionally and mentally—was time wasted. Time Lilith could use to harm Magnus (again, likely assisted by Simon sharing his own experiences in that regard). Yes. Each one of them would’ve banded together like a military strike team to keep Alec from going to such extremes. Even if knowing Alec had had such a thought horrified Magnus, being reminded that no one would’ve allowed that to happen brought him comfort.

”You’re right,” Magnus finally said, the knot in his chest finally dissipating completely. “You’re all right, thank you.” He felt Clary give his arm another squeeze and lean her head on his shoulder in a small facsimile of a hug.

”What’s going on here?” They heard Alec’s curiously asked as he slowly walked back into the room. His brow was furrowed, confused at the sight before him—Jace, Isabelle, Clary, and Simon all huddled around Magnus as if to keep him from something, Clary holding Magnus’s arm close to herself and leaning into his side in a small hug.

”Nothing,” Jace assured him, moving back slightly to open up their circle to him. “We were just...ah,”

”Celebrating everything turning out so well,” Isabelle supplied. “We all made it through Edom and back in one piece.”   
  


“Is everything okay?” Clary asked, releasing and stepping away from Magnus to face Alec. Alec could see the deep worry creases on her face. It was evident she still blamed herself for everything that happened.

”Idris is recovering,” Alec said. He gave Clary a small comforting pat on the arm, silently telling her none of them blamed her for anything even if his face was still all business. “There’s a lot to be done, but the Consul wants us to stay put to manage any blowback here on the ground. Same goes for the other Institutes. We still don’t know the full effect Edom, and even Jonathan, has had.” Clary looked away, her lip slightly trembling at the mention of Jonathan. Jace took hold of her elbow and carefully drew her to himself, wrapping his arms around her to cradle her close to his chest. Simon followed, lightly stroking the back of Clary’s head to provide as much comfort on top of Jace’s as he could.

”What should we do now?” Isabelle asked her brother while casting a worried gaze towards Clary.

”Rest,” Alec replied. “We’ve all had a long few days, we’ve more than earned some time to recover and catch our breath.” He cast a sidelong glance to Magnus, his hope to take some time for many things clear on his face.   
  


“I won’t argue with that,” Simon muttered.   
  


“Yeah,” Clary agreed, forcing on a slightly more positive tone as she wiped away the couple of tears that had begun to trickle down. She retracted from Jace’s embrace, which he mostly went with, keeping one hand on her back to continue to provide his support. She caught the others giving her various versions of concerned looks and smiled at them. “I’m fine,” she promised. “You heard Alec, we’ve all earned some R&R.” She not so subtly gently nudged Simon towards Isabelle, and slid her arm around Jace’s waist. The blonde Shadowhunter received the message loud and clear, giving the others a parting nod before leading Clary away and up to the living quarters as the others watched them leave.

Once they were gone, Simon turned to look at Isabelle, the dreamy dopey eyed smile from earlier back on his face. “Uh...Izzy....do you maybe want to....go.....somewhere?” He shyly asked, earning him a blush and wide smile from Isabelle, as if suddenly everything outside of Simon asking to go off somewhere alone, had faded away.   
  


“Oh yes, to do ‘uh you know anything uh Shadowhunter-y’,” Magnus couldn’t resist teasing and grinning at the two. Isabelle’s blush increased, while Alec stared at Simon with a stern look, his hands clasped behind his back and standing at his full ‘big brother, head of the New York Institute, I will find inventive ways to kill you if you do anything to my sister’ height, which given Simon’s small nervous chuckle and incoherent sputtering, had had the desired effect.   
  


“I’d love to, Simon,” Isabelle stated, linking her arm with his while throwing Alec a ‘I love you, but back off’ look before pulling Simon along with her to the front door. Magnus’s grin only grew as he watched Alec heave a heavy sigh and roll his eyes. His Alexander looked absolutely adorable so put out and protective of his little sister.

”Something wrong?” Magnus teased. Alec rolled his eyes again and shook his head, his stern face melting into a small exasperated smile.

”No,” he replied. He fixed Magnus with a look as he brought his hands from out behind his back and took hold of Magnus’s left hand with his own. “Should we...I mean, do you want to..uh, go?” He asked, his usual small stammering injecting a shot of warmth directly into Magnus’s heart. His teasing grin slipped into an utterly love-drunk smile as he looked down at their hands. He loved just looking at their joined hands at times. The way their fingers laced together, his rings peeking between Alec’s knuckles, it was a beautiful sight to Magnus. Now, seeing a ring on his usually not one for sparkly metal frills of his own lover’s finger—and specifically _what_ this lone piece of jewelry represented—and the way Alec had clearly deliberately took his hand in such a way that their matching rings touched, made the sight all the more breathtaking.   
  


“Yes, I’d like that very much, Alexander,” Magnus replied, a happy sigh in his voice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus reflects on his journey with Alec as the two carefully wade through the things they need to discuss.

The portal to Magnus’s apartment was uneventful, and the moments after stepping through at their destination was even more so. For as much as Magnus had been aching to have a moment alone with Alec, now that he had it he had no idea what to do with it. And unfortunately, given how Alec stood rocking on his feet with an awkward half smile on his lips as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, Magnus’s husband-to-be was just as lost as he was.

There had almost always been a push and pull in the relationship. Or, more accurately, the pursuer and the pursued. When uncertainty or caution held one of them prisoner, the other set him free with his steadiness and confidence. It started as a cat and mouse game; Magnus being coy and flirting when they first met, Alec flustered and unsure. Then, it became more as Alec forced himself to be what he thought everyone expected him to be and Magnus tried to break through that notion. His desire to help Alec free himself from his self imposed chains had felt heartbreaking in its apparent futility, he had practically given up. Alec had been stubborn in his perception that he had to be someone he wasn’t to uphold his family’s name. If it hadn’t been for the memory of his dearly departed friend Ragnor Fell giving encouraging and loving advice, and Isabelle’s inviting him to that fateful wedding, things could’ve ended far differently, and not for the better.

From then on, it was as if their roles reversed. There had been the first conflict of Alec being so consumed by his search for Jace and Magnus urging Alec not to push him away, but after the dust settled from the wedding and Jace, Magnus was the one to be pursued. At first, it was due to Magnus not wanting to push Alec when everything was so new. In Magnus’s view, this was Alec’s first relationship with a man (and his desire to let things move at a pace most comfortable to Alec only grew at learning this was Alec’s first relationship, period). It was Magnus interrupting the wedding continuing to play out: standing and waiting, letting Alec choose the next steps. Magnus felt fortunate that at such times—the wedding, the tension regarding their vastly different respective romantic histories—while Magnus thought he’d need to find the strength to accept rejection and let Alec go, Alec surprised him by shaking off his fears and stepping toward him. Kissing him, declaring he didn’t care about the past. Making it abundantly clear this, Magnus, was what he wanted. Banishing Magnus’s worries he’d reached too far in his pursuit of Alec’s heart.  
  


As their relationship grew, however, the reasoning behind Magnus being the one to be chased by Alec changed. No longer was it a conscious effort by Magnus to let Alec move when he was ready, but Magnus’s own subconscious insecurities. His fears that something would drive Alec away. Alec had barged through the walls Magnus had put up; their steps into physical intimacy, Alec’s continued assurance that nothing would chase him away—not the slip of Magnus’s glamoured eyes, or the parts of his past he had shoved deep down and hoped would never see the light of day.   
  
Now, though, they both were trapped by their own thoughts. It was as if Magnus and Alec were each unsure who should be the first to speak or act, and were terrified of misstepping if they took the initiative.

”Drink?” Magnus offered, breaking the silence.

”Yes,” Alec enthusiastically replied. Magnus wasn’t sure whether it was due to needing a drink after a long day, or grateful to have something pierce the awkward tension in the room. Perhaps it was a little of both.

Magnus moved past Alec to the drink cart. He could’ve just snapped his fingers and conjured up drinks for both of them, but at the moment the stalling of manually producing the drinks was a godsend. Alec must’ve had a similar thought, as he busied himself with removing his jacket and setting it down on one of the nearby couches before aimlessly meandering around the room. Magnus peeked at Alec over his shoulder and watched him take in the surroundings. The more Alec looked around, the more relaxed he seemed to become. The implications of that—that them returning to their natural state of being in the loft, together, had put Alec at ease—made Magnus’s heart flutter. 

”Are you planning on getting rid of that?” Alec asked, poking through Magnus’s distracted thoughts.

”Hmm?” Magnus asked, abandoning the half poured drinks to see what Alec was talking about. He followed Alec’s gaze to see the small glass terrarium on his end table that had been conjured up by his fath-....a flare of anger and resentment burned his insides, cutting off his train of thought as the smug face of the man in question crossed his mind. _No_ , after all he’d done, that _demon_ was no longer Magnus’s father. 

“Magnus?” He heard Alec ask, concerned, no doubt noticing the hateful look in Magnus’s eyes. His voice was enough to break through to Magnus, making him close his eyes as he took in a calming breath. Alec. _Alexander_. He was here, they were together. Asmodeus and his manipulations had been unsuccessful. That’s all that mattered.

”It’s nothing,” Magnus assured him, giving Alec a smile. “Anyway,” he continued breezily, shaking off the dark clouds that had threatened his inner thoughts, “I hadn’t really thought about it either way,” he said, moving away from the drink cart to pick up the terrarium. He held it up to his gaze, a pondering frown gracing his lips. “I don’t see myself replacing Liz-enzo,” he quipped, earning a small snort and chuckle from Alec, “green and scaly isn’t really my type of pet. I guess I could repurpose it into some sort of decorative centerpiece.” He tilted his head in a half shrug. “Though, maybe after doing something about these scratches,” he mused, running a thumb over the message of help etched on the glass.

”Yeah, that could be seen as a little....strange,” Alec commented, joining in Magnus’s banter as he moved to stand beside him.

”Or a unique conversation starter,” Magnus playfully countered. He set the terrarium back down and returned to the drink cart. “The illustrious High Warlock of Brooklyn was certainly fortunate someone was here to see that message.” He tried to be flippant, but at the edges he still felt the dark clouds on his mind. His guilt and just letting—accepting—Asmodeus transform Lorenzo into a lizard. Caring so little he merely made a joke about having a “quiet roommate”. And if that hadn’t been bad enough, he had continued to not spare a thought to his fellow warlock by simply leaving him there as he was. Sure, he had assumed he’d return home shortly and then perhaps eventually once he actually remembered, would’ve attempted to free Lorenzo from his reptilian state, but “maybes” and “eventually” didn’t soothe Magnus’s guilt. Especially after seeing the depths of Lorenzo’s true character after their time in Edom. 

”Thank the angel for Catarina,” Alec commented as Magnus finished pouring their drinks and turned to hand Alec a glass.

”She found him?” Magnus curiously asked, taking a sip from the glass he kept for himself. “I wonder what she was even doing here,” he idly pondered.

”No, I found him,” Alec replied. “I was here looking through your books to see if there was anything that could bring you...,” Alec paused briefly, letting his sentence trail off and hang between them. They were carelessly lounging in the shallow end of small talk, testing the waters before preparing to go into the things they really wanted to talk about. The serious things. Alec was coming close to diving straight to it. Was Magnus ready? Was he even ready?

“Well,” Alec continued after a small clearing of his throat. “I fell asleep, next thing I know it’s morning and I hear noises coming from in here.”

Magnus quietly took another sip of his drink, processing Alec’s information. The mental image of Alec having dozed off pouring over Magnus’s tomes was endearing, Magnus was actually sad he missed seeing it for himself. He wondered if the noises that had roused Alec had given the Shadowhunter a brief moment of hope. Had Alec come in from the study, a part of him wondering and hoping Magnus had found a way back? Had his heart hammered in his chest jumping between cautiously hoping to see the man he loved puttering around the loft, but also on guard in case some danger had appeared? The look in Alec’s eyes as Magnus looked at him dissipated that wondering. That was exactly what had gone through Alec’s mind. The disappointment Alec must of felt when he found the source of the noise made a pang of sadness hit Magnus’s heart.

“And you called Catarina?” Magnus asked, following along the story.

“Yeah,” Alec replied with a nod. “A lizard scratching ‘help’ onto glass didn’t seem normal...even by our standards,” he lightly joked. “I figured it was beyond my capabilities, so I reached out to her. I would’ve stayed and....I don’t know, helped? But the fire message about Izzy’s condition showed up just then.” 

“Catarina must’ve had quite the shock,” Magnus chuckled. “Show up here, find a mysterious lizard, and oh dear it’s the High Warlock!” The two of them laughed at that. They were back in the carefree comfortable shallow end. 

“Well, on the bright side, I’m pretty sure ‘turning your superior back into himself’ earned her some sort of.....commendation?” Alec joked as he and Magnus day down on the couch together.

“At the very least!” Magnus laughed. The two laughed some more as they imagined the look on Lorenzo and Catarina’s faces in that moment. 

“Oh, we shouldn’t be laughing,” Alec gasped out as he tried to reign in his chuckles.

”Yes we should, because it’s funny,” Magnus gleefully countered. Alec laughed again and shook his head at his incorrigible warlock.

”Come on, Magnus,” Alec playfully chastised, “it’s not that funny. Who knows how long Lorenzo could’ve been stuck like that if I hadn’t been home.” 

Magnus’s laughter quickly died at that. Alec was right. Things could have gone very differently. Lorenzo stuck in his reptilian form, not to mention the others’ plan to get to Edom. Alec would have never asked Catarina to assist. If things had gone badly, if they had all died or been stuck in Edom, Alec would never risk leaving Madzie alone. The little girl had lost so much—her Nana, however much Magnus disliked Iris, he knew the woman loved her goddaughter and Madzie loved her as well; with Magnus in Edom she’d lost him, and if things had gone badly she would’ve lost Alec too. Alec would never let Madzie face losing everyone she loved, nor would he have put Catarina in the painful position of having to choose between helping Magnus or caring for Madzie. She had already been through that with Lorenzo’s threat to any warlocks attempting to help the Shadowhunters deal with Jace’s possession. At most Alec would’ve likely asked for help reaching out to another warlock, but with Lorenzo’s previous proclamations, it was unlikely any nearby warlock would’ve done so without Lorenzo’s permission. Had Lorenzo only been found much later due to someone’s tracking, it’s likely he would’ve been less inclined to provide any assistance (and perhaps, Magnus assumed, been without Alec being able to hold his having found Lorenzo over him to get him to help, if Lorenzo had refused to do so).

Magnus then found his lingering guilt over how he treated Lorenzo—and his feelings that even if he reached twice his lived lifetime he could never fully express his gratitude towards his formal rival—was soon overshadowed by what else Alec had said.

 _ **Home**_.

Alec referring to the loft as his home wasn’t anything new. He’d done so in passing many times. Lightly brushing Magnus’s hand as they downed their last round of drinks at Hunter’s Moon, glancing at him with bedroom eyes and saying “hey, let’s go home”. Laughing and shaking his head during one of their portal-provided shopping trips “how are we going to get all of this home?” at bag upon bag of shopping Magnus was accumulating in attempt to spoil his boyfriend. “Ugghhhh I can’t wait to get home to you,” he’d groaned to Magnus over the phone after a long day of meetings, or training, or chasing after demons, to which Magnus would promise to have an open portal, a warm bath, and a delicious dinner waiting for him once he was ready.

And yet, hearing it now had an effect on Magnus. Perhaps it was the shadows of what they’d endured in just the last few days. He’d gone from being made to believe Alec didn’t love him enough to stay by his side in his dark times, to learning that Alec in fact loved him so much he sacrificed his own happiness for Magnus’s sake, to then feeling as though he’d spend an eternity alone in Edom with just memories, a ring, and the love of this selfless man as the only things to console him, and then reuniting with this man who proclaimed he’d never leave him again. It was so much. So much love, so much good, so much happiness punching through the shadows in his mind.

”Home,” he murmured, his thoughts leaving him to stare at Alec in wonder. Alec must’ve picked up on Magnus’s train of thought, as the remnants of his laughing smile melted into a meaningful look. He set his drink down on the coffee table and turned towards Magnus, taking ahold of his hand in his.

”Magnus,” he spoke his love’s name in that tone he had for their most precious moments. When he’d convey to Magnus just how much he cared for him. The soft sincere voice that chased away all of Magnus’s worries and insecurities. “Anywhere you are is home to me.” Magnus let out a shaking breath. Though he knew the depths of Alec’s love for him, more than ever after recent events, hearing such things did send his heart soaring.

”In theory, at least,” he half-heartedly joked. “Technically, I wasn’t here at the time, I was in Edom,” he pointed out. Alec gave a small breath of a laugh and rolled his eyes in a ‘yeah, okay, fair point’ sort of way. “Which....had things turned out differently, you....were prepared to make your home as well,” Magnus breathed out, his mind replaying Alec saying he’d return and stay in Edom. Almost casually, as if that was the only logical thing to do.

”Of course,” Alec replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Magnus blinked and set his drink down next to Alec’s, a small incredulous breath leaving his lips as his hand slipped out of Alec’s hold.

”You really would’ve stayed, literally in Hell....for me?” Magnus asked.

”To be with you,” Alec corrected, his brows furrowing in confusion at Magnus’s reaction. 

”What about Isabelle, and Max...Jace...your mother....you would’ve left your family?” Magnus asked. There was a strange anxious energy filling him, leaving him incapable of sitting still. He rose up to his feet and paced around.

”They would’ve understood,” Alec replied. He stood up and gently took hold of Magnus’s arm to get him to stand still. “You can ask Izzy, my mom, or any one really,” he began lightly shaking his head, “the few days being without you, knowing you were stuck in Edom...all I could think about was finding my way back to you.”

”Your sister may have alluded to something of that effect,” Magnus cagily muttered.

”Well, then,” Alec shrugged, “what else could anyone expect? Leave you and just go back to finding a way to bring you back?”

”So, you really would’ve just....given up your family, your life, your career...” Magnus said, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“My life and career? Magnus,” Alec spoke, drawing closer to him and cupping his hand against his cheek, “none of that would mean anything without you.” The earnest emotion in Alec’s voice briefly overwhelmed Magnus. He braced his hands on Alec’s chest and leaned in to rest his forehead against Alec’s cheek to ground himself. The feeling of Alec’s breath on his face, the weight of Alec’s hand on the side of his neck, it eased the anxiety that had suddenly overtaken him at Alec’s willingness to sacrifice so much for him. 

  
_“Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I have to do what’s right for me. I could lose my family, my career, everything!”_

The memory of those words, said by Alec in this very apartment, shot to the forefront of Magnus’s mind. Things had been so different back then. Alec was frustrated and confused, lashing out at Magnus for dangling the thing he so wanted right in front of him. He was so focused on not giving in to the way his heart beat faster and his skin tingled, even without Magnus drawing attention to such symptoms. His breathing labored as he held himself in check when Magnus moved into his personal space, close enough to kiss if he just let himself do it. Putting distance between them to fire those words. Hurting Magnus. Hammering home to Magnus that he had delved into the definition of insanity by continuing to hope. It was those words that had pushed Magnus to (briefly) giving up on Alec. 

And now, here they stood, Alec going back on those very same words. Holding him. Comforting him. Telling him all of those things were nothing without him. It was....crazy? Ironic? A dream come true?

Whatever it was, it brought on a fit of delirious giggles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to muses dancing around my head, this chapter got a lot longer and more involved than originally intended, without getting to the main course of the story. So, I figured here was a good place to stop for now. Next (and hopefully last *glare at muses*) chapter will get to the nitty gritty of it all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus opens up to Alec about having wanted to erase his memories of their relationship, while Alec deals with his guilt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, it happened again. I lied, this isn’t the final chapter. Though our boys do talk about some of the serious stuff there’s still some ways to go, because they are such chatty cathys.   
> Thanks so much for the kudos and comments on the previous chapter. I’m glad so many of you are enjoying the story :D

”Magnus?” Alec asked, moving back slightly to look at him, deep concern etched across his face. The contrast of that look compared to the stony expression in his memory only made Magnus laugh more. He brought one hand off of Alec’s chest and placed it on his cheek, as if hoping to smooth away the worried frown at the corner of Alec’s mouth with his thumb.

”It’s nothing...” He said trying to get ahold of himself, only to snort as more giggles spilled out of him. Alec carefully took hold of his hands and brought him back to the couch. He wasn’t sure what had overtaken his lover, but figured having a seat couldn’t hurt. He sat down beside him and simply held his hand, waiting for whatever was giving Magnus such amusement to pass. 

“Oh wow,” Magnus breathed out once he calmed down, wiping away a tear that hung at his lower lashes brought on by all of his laughter. On cue, Alec slipped Magnus’s drink into his hand hoping a sip would help him settle down. 

”Mind telling me what that was all about?” Alec asked, still concerned. Magnus bit back another giggle threatening to break free and sipped his drink before setting it back on the table.

”I was just remembering a time when this conversation went _very_ differently,” Magnus finally said, successful at having calmed down enough to ease Alec’s worries.

”What do you mean?” Alec asked, not following.

”Oh, back when a pushy dastardly warlock was trying to seduce the hapless groom to be,” Magnus replied, a teasing tone in his voice. A ‘snerk’ sound left his lips as a new batch of giggles bubbled inside of him. “And look, now that groom to be is once again engaged...to the dastardly warlock!” A few giggles slipped out before he took a deep breath to settle down. “Okay, I’m sorry, I’m good now,” he quickly muttered.

”What are you talking ab...” Alec began, before realization dawned on him. Magnus could see him catching up, his eyebrows rising as the memory returned to him. “Wow,” Alec said in amazement, eyes wide. “That....that feels like a lifetime ago.” Magnus felt his heart flutter again.

It truly was a different life back then. Not just due to the way their relationship had evolved in the time since, but in the ways Alec himself had evolved over time. The moment he stepped down the dais, away from Lydia, away from this box he had been shoving himself in, Alec was born anew. No more hiding, no more shutting himself away out of fear of what showing his true self would lead to. Gripping the lapels of Magnus’s jacket and kissing him was Alec casting off the weights he’d carried for so long. Unapologetically shouting “this is who I am” to his family, the Clave, the whole world.

“True,” Magnus said, “you have grown a lot since then.” Alec leaned back in the couch and gave him a loving smile, his hand gently rubbing his back.

”Because of you,” he pointed out. Magnus returned the smile and leaned close to him, fitting comfortably in his one arm embrace.

”As much as I would _love_ to take all the credit, I can’t,” Magnus replied. “You are a stronger person, more confident, your heart even more open. That was all you.”

”I don’t know about all of that,” Alec demurely commented.

”I’m not just flattering you,” Magnus insisted, sitting up to look at Alec directly. “I mean every word, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s seen that. Before, you focused so much on what was expected of you, you caged yourself off from your true feelings. I don’t just mean romantically, I mean your instincts. Your gut.”

”You’re the one who encouraged me to follow my gut,” Alec pointed out.

”You listened,” Magnus countered. “I might’ve been the thing rattling the bars of the cage, but you’re the one that broke free. Sure,” he titled his head and gave Alec a cheeky smile, “I’ve definitely benefitted from your true self being out in the open,” Alec chuckled and rubbed his hand along Magnus’s back. “But so have others. It’s made you a better leader. The kind of leader the Institute, the whole damn Clave, needs.” He reached up and lightly stoked Alec’s cheek. “I’m proud of you.” Alec smiled, his cheek growing warm under Magnus’s hand at the praise.

”I love you,” Alec said. Magnus gave a happy sigh and laid back in Alec’s arms, his head on his shoulder.

”I love you too, Alexander,” he replied. He relaxed against Alec, content, as Alec held him closer and brushed a lingering soft kiss against his forehead. After recent events just sitting comfortably with Alec was exactly what Magnus needed. 

“What made you think of that?” Alec curiously asked after some time.

”Think about what?” Magnus asked.

“That conversation, from before. What brought that to mind?” Magnus’s content smile faded, a guilty frown taking its place.

”Oh,” he muttered, reluctantly sitting up and slipping out of Alec’s embrace. “I...recently found myself reliving past events...” He hesitantly explained.

”What, to pass the time in Edom?” Alec asked as he sat up as well.

”Then too,” Magnus nodded, “but that was just...thinking about you, missing you,” he added. “That was more the....’Alec and Magnus Greatest Hits’ album, as opposed to the entire discography,” he lightly joked. He chanced a look at Alec as he tried to summon the strength to go into his moment of weakness.

”Magnus, whatever it is, you can tell me,” Alec assured him, his voice once again going into the soft gentle tone he reserved only for the man he loved.

”I know,” Magnus replied, placing a hand on Alec’s lap, “it’s just not something I’m exactly proud of,” he admitted. he took a deep breath and stood up, turning to face Alec as his nervous energy once again kept him from sitting still. “After...our breakup, I was...” Magnus looked away, the memory of how he’d felt then hitting him like a ton of bricks. “I was, well for lack of a better word, broken.”

”Magnus, I am so sorry, I-“ Alec began, the guilt in his voice enough to break Magnus’s heart all over again.

”Don’t,” Magnus said, holding up a hand to stop him. He gave Alec a small smile. “I’m not angry, I know why you did it, and I love you all the more for it. I didn’t know that was even possible.”

“I,” Alec spoke, his voice catching in his throat. “I hated hurting you...”

”I know,” Magnus replied. He took a deep breath and braced himself to continue his story. “I was in pain, and even after my father...” His jaw clenched in the word. He rubbed the back of his neck in hopes of soothing away the tension that was rising inside of him. “After Asmodeus returned my magic it....didn’t change. In fact, it was worse.”

”I thought...I thought having your magic would’ve made things....better,” Alec commented, his chest tightening as his remorse increased.

”This whole experience has definitely shown me that ‘better’ is a relative term,” Magnus muttered. He crossed his arms over his chest to hold himself together. “I had my magic back, yes, but with it also came my immortality.”

”And that’s a bad thing?” Alec asked.

”Up against the knowledge I’d now have centuries of the pain I was in to look forward to? Yes,” Magnus sadly replied.

”I thought,” Alec murmured, looking away shamefully, “that being whole again....it would help.”

”But I wasn’t whole,” Magnus argued. “Not completely. I felt....empty. A hollowed out circle. Maybe on the outside appearing to be whole, but inside? Just a bottomless pit, nothing.”

”So, what happened?” Alec asked. He held his hands clenched tightly together on his lap, as if the bruising force could overcome the pain in his heart.

”I wanted to....erase you,” Magnus said, the words catching, tangled up in his regret. “I met with Brother Zachariah and begged him to erase my memories of you.” Magnus turned and looked out towards the balcony, unable to look at Alec as he spoke. “But, as any dear friend would, he suspected that wasn’t what I truly wanted. He refused to do it, and said that if extracting my memories of you was what I really wanted to do, I’d find the strength to do it myself. Although, perhaps ‘strength’ isn’t the right word. Desperation sounds more appropriate.”

”But you weren’t that desperate,” Alec presumed. “I mean....your memories, they’re intact.”

”I wish I could say the wisdom of ‘better to have loved and lost than never loved at all’ pulled me away from that,” Magnus ruefully replied. “But I’d be lying.” He closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath. “I’d have to pull the memories out of my head and destroy them. When everything was out around me, it was like...” He paused, a pleasant memory piercing through the dark making him smile. “Do you remember that night at the planetarium?” He asked, thinking back to one of their earliest dates. For some reason they’d gotten onto the topic of museums and other sorts of landmarks, and Magnus had been astounded to learn Alec had been to very few.

”You mean you making me a nervous wreck that’d we’d get caught, after you portaled us in at three in the morning?” Alec wryly asked, bringing a small laugh out of Magnus. Alec had been completely on edge over possibly alerting a security guard, which Magnus playfully dismissed and called him adorable. Alec’s protests had died on his lips the moment Magnus had waved his hands to power on the auditorium. The domed ceiling lit up with stars and constellations, captivating him.

 _”It’s so....peaceful,”_ he had murmured. They had leaned back in the reclining chairs in the room, holding hands and gazing up at the artificial sky. Watching Alec smile, completely at ease and comfortable, had been one of the first moments Magnus felt the magnitude of love he had for Alec. He wanted to be next to, and hopefully be the cause of, that peace and contentment for as long as he possibly could.

”It was like that, a full panoramic view of....well, you,” Magnus spoke, returning to the present. “Every moment with you, every touch and kiss, the good things and the bad, all of it surrounding me. And I was so close to destroying it all.” His throat tightened at that thought. At how close he’d come to obliterating every part of Alec in his mind.

“What stopped you?” Alec asked.

”Asmodeus,” Magnus replied. He turned back to face Alec, his heart shuddering in his chest at the pained look on his face. “I was inches away from destroying my memories, and there he was holding me back from doing it. He said ridding myself of my memories was weak, and that overcoming my pain would make me wiser and stronger. Word for word just the sort of thing any loving parent would say to their heartbroken child.” Magnus shook his head. “But now, looking back? I wonder if it wasn’t just another one of his manipulations. He needed me to be in pain so I’d be dependent on him. A heartbroken son clinging tightly to his loving father. All the more easy to mold and shape as the father sees fit. It was his plan the moment he told you the terms of the deal you made.”

”I served you up to him on a silver platter,” Alec muttered, chastising himself. “Damn it,” he spat out, rubbing his hand across his face.

”If you did, it’s only because I gave him the tools he needed to do it,” Magnus rushed to say, hoping to absolve Alec of at least some of his guilt.

”He didn’t use your magic to make me agree to the deal, that was all me. Stupid, stupid me.”

”No, Alexander,” Magnus insisted as he quickly moved back to the couch and sat beside Alec, grabbing hold of his hands. “I tipped my hand. The mere fact I’d gone to him for help, Asmodeus saw the lengths I would go for you, how much I love you. I wouldn’t be surprised if, once he saw you as a....I guess a rival....the plan formed in his twisted little head. And once I agreed to sacrifice my magic? I gave him everything he needed. He saw my commitment to you, saw the thing he had to break so I’d possibly fall back under his influence. After that, he just had to bide his time.” He rubbed his thumb along the back of Alec’s hand, hoping to comfort him. “And of course, my magic giving him an extra boost to deal with Lilith didn’t hurt his goals either.”

”You never would’ve been driven to seek his help if it hadn’t been for me going on and on about how I couldn’t lose Jace.”

”Alexander, that wasn’t-“

”Magnus,” Alec cut in, “you did it for me. There’s no point in denying it.” Magnus heaved a heavy sigh.

”It was my fault Lilith was able to sink her claws into Jace as deeply as she did. I gave her the potion.”

”She would’ve gotten it from any warlock,” Alec replied.

”But she didn’t,” Magnus countered, “she knew exactly what she was doing. Whether because of my skills, or getting a secret thrill at having Asmodeus’s son doing her bidding, I don’t know. She sought me out, and used the memory of Ragnor Fell and a story of a soldier ex-lover to get me to play right into her hands.” Magnus sighed and shrugged. “But, yes, I will admit the bulk of my reasoning was you. But not just because of the things you said.” 

”Then what was it?” Alec asked.

”I was there when you felt Jace dying at Lake Lyn,” Magnus reminded him, “I saw you collapse, cry out at the pain of losing him. There was nothing I could do to help. I also saw the guilt you felt after Jocelyn. Even with it not having really been you, you were a wreck over what happened. The thought of you having to go through the loss of your parabatai, and the insurmountable guilt at having to be the one to kill him, I couldn’t bear it. You having to go through two of the most painful moments of your life, multiplied by a thousand,” Magnus shook his head, “I couldn’t let that happen.”

”Well,” Alec sighed as he looked away, “if that’s the case—that Asmodeus was planning this from the start—then he really is a master manipulator, and you’re not the only one who played right into a greater demon’s hands.” Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s cheek and made him turn back to face him.

”What happened?” Magnus gently asked. Alec placed a hand on his, his eyes downcast.

”The things he said...” Alec closed his eyes. “He said you’d grow to resent me, that I made you weak and I’d be the death of you. It was like he reached into my brain and plucked out my fears to wave right in front of me.”

”Alexander,” Magnus murmured, pained to hear of Alec’s fears.

”The only thing worse than seeing you so unhappy, was knowing I was the cause of your pain, and that you’d one day hate me for it.”

”I could never..” Magnus started to say. He paused, the harsh words he’d drunkenly said that night on the balcony replaying in his head. “I’m so sorry,” he breathed out. Alec snapped his gaze back up at him.

”What? Magnus, no, you have nothing to apologize for.”

”I do,” Magnus replied. “Those things I said that night....” He shook his head, chastising himself. “Of course you’d have those fears.” He brought Alec closer and hugged him tightly. “I was angry, but never at you. You have to know that.”

Alec sighed and leaned his head onto Magnus’s shoulder, a tightness in his chest he didn’t even realize he’d been holding all of this time slowly unclenching at Magnus’s assurance. There had been a part of himself that still held on to the things Magnus said on the balcony. A part of him believed Magnus blamed him, it was why Asmodeus was so successful in getting Alec to agree to the deal.

Alec wanted Magnus to feel whole again, he felt he needed to make things right for all Magnus had sacrificed for his benefit, and beneath it all he felt it was a sort of karmic retribution. A ‘be careful what you wish for’ punishment for his hang ups about their disparate nature and mortality. A jab for momentarily seeing a silver lining in Magnus losing his magic that they’d grow old together. His selfish thoughts had come to bite him in the ass in the form of Magnus’s misery. Even more reason why he had to make it right, and if that had meant living the rest of his own life with heartbreak and misery perhaps that was justly deserved.

Magnus pulled away from the hug and held Alec’s face in his hands, his fingers lightly caressing the rune along Alec’s jaw.

”I’m sorry for making you think that you weren’t enough for me to be happy,” Magnus said, “and for letting you even for a second believe I could ever resent you,” he concluded.

“I overreacted,” Alec lamented. 

“You want to talk overreaction? I found a tiny gray hair and dove right into booze-filled emotional breakdown,” Magnus chuckled.

”Well, I’ve heard finding a gray hair can be upsetting even for mundanes, and people who know they’ll get them eventually,” Alec commented, “I’d imagine it’d be a lot worse for someone who never thought that was something to look forward to.” 

”That is a very charitable viewpoint,” Magnus laughed. He placed a soft kiss on Alec’s lips, lingering in the contact upon realizing this was the first time their lips had touched since Alicante. Upon parting Magnus gazed lovingly at Alec had gave him another shorter kiss before settling back on the couch in each other’s arms.

”I panicked,” Alec said, continuing his earlier explanation. “I’d underestimated how hard everything would be for you. I think....I think I just assumed that if my mother could be happy living as a mundane, then you would be too. And in thinking that, I made the mistake of thinking that it would be an easy transition.” Alec sighed and tightened his hold on Magnus as if to apologize. “So seeing you hurting so much, saying what you were feeling might never pass, I freaked out.”

”Hence the fear I’d grow to resent you,” Magnus said, a statement of fact more than a question.

”Yeah,” Alec replied. “I was stupid. You’ve had centuries of being a warlock, being connected to your magic, all of it, of course you wouldn’t just instantly be okay. I should’ve....I don’t know....given you time, actually listened when you said you were just upset....instead of,” he paused, “what was it you said after Jocelyn? Blow up the ground I stand on to make something right?” He sighed.

”Do you regret it?” Magnus asked, a knot forming in his stomach. Though he hadn’t meant to accuse Alec of always wanting him to be a mundane, the conflict from that so long ago was fresh in his mind due to recent reliving of memories. They had brushed it aside, apologizing for saying things they shouldn’t have, but there never had been a resolution. Hence why Magnus still clung to the fear that Alec resented his immortality. Why that shot out in his drunken outburst. Now, a nagging fear tugged at him. Did Alec wish he’d left well enough alone? Let Magnus recover in time and live as a mundane?

”I regret hurting you,” Alec replied. Magnus frowned, not totally satisfied by that answer. He sat up out of Alec’s embrace and stared at him.

”Alexander, that’s not what I mean,” he stated, a cautious edge to his tone. “If you could go back, would you change anything?” 

”I mean, yeah, I would’ve tried to give you time and support to-“

”Do you wish you hadn’t gone to Asmodeus? That I never got my magic back?” Magnus a little too harshly interrupted, needing to get to the heart of the issue. Alec’s silence was deafening.

”Yes, and no,” Alec said after a moment. Magnus swallowed thickly, the knot in his stomach growing.

”Alexander, please,” Magnus pleaded, needing some sort of straight answer. “Just....tell me. Me living as a mundane, is that what you wanted?” He clenched his hands on his lap, bracing himself for the answer. Alec sighed and looked away, causing Magnus to tense even more.

”There was a time that I did,” Alec shamefully admitted. Magnus cautiously eased slightly, focusing on Alec’s use of past tense as comfort. “When you first lost your powers, I did have this....selfish thought that.....maybe things would be better that way. We’d grow old together and....” He trailed off. “But your happiness was too much of a price for that little fantasy.”

”What if I had been happy with that life?” Magnus hazarded to ask. “If I just....settled in to that life? Maybe worked at Maryse’s shop, or found some other calling. Would you have been happier then?”

”The fact that you used the word ‘settled’ says you would never have been happy,” Alec pointed out. He sat up and took one of Magnus’s hands in his, coaxing the fist to unclench so lace their fingers together. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen my mother so at peace as she is now. Maybe it’s divorcing my father, or maybe she’s like me, and being set free of the expectations of who she thought she had to be helped her change for the better, I don’t know. Her life as a mundane, the bookstore, all of it; it might’ve started out as just making the best of a bad situation and putting on a brave face for me and Izzy, but I think she’s genuinely happy. You, on the other hand, were already your true free self. Being a mundane would’ve been shoving you into a cage.” He squeezed Magnus’s hand. “Do you remember what you said to me when I was recovering from what happened to Jocelyn?”

”You’d have to be a little more specific, I said a lot of things,” Magnus joked. Alec smiled, pleased to see some of the tension slip out of him.

”Right before our first date,” Alec replied. “You said you weren’t okay because I wasn’t okay. Well, that goes both ways. I’d never have been happy if you weren’t.” 

”So if I’d found a way to be happy-“

”You wouldn’t,” Alec cut in. “Just like you knew I’d never be happy if I’d lost Jace,” he added, as if anticipating Magnus feeling selfish and petty for hooking his happiness on to his magic.

”So, what you said about giving me time and support...?” Magnus asked.

”I meant in the meantime. While...if, or until...we could find a way to bring your magic back the right way. So, to answer your question, yes, I wish I’d never gone to Asmodeus and made that deal. But no, I don’t wish you never got your magic back. I just wish I hadn’t gone for the most devastating option. Told you I was going to seeing Asmodeus, or told him where he could stick his conditions of not telling you about the deal, listened to Izzy when she said you wouldn’t want that, realized hurting you to help you wasn’t the right answer.”

”What would’ve been the right answer?” Magnus queried. Alec pursed his lips to think of something.

”I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe.....used the Malachi Configuration? Trapped Asmodeus and refused to let him go until he returned your magic?” He paused. “Damn it,” he muttered regretfully. “That’s exactly what we should’ve done.”

”There would have been too much of a risk in that,” Magnus pointed out, hoping to ease away Alec’s thoughts of ‘coulda shoulda woulda’. “What if Asmodeus had gotten out? Then we would’ve had another greater demon problem right on the heels of banishing Lilith.”

”You’re right,” Alec conceded. The risk of Asmodeus getting out was too great, it was why Magnus had sent himself to Edom in the first place, and why Alec had contacted him through a conduit instead of finding a way to summon him. “But looking back, I still wish I’d done things differently.” He sighed and gave a small rueful chuckle. “Then again, if we’re talking about what we’d wish for if we could go back and do things differently, Asmodeus wouldn’t have been my first stop. I made a lot of mistakes to bring us there.”

”Alexander,” Magnus chided, “you did no such thing. I gave the potion to Lilith, Jace was my mistake to fix.”

”Maybe if you hadn’t been disposed as the High Warlock and forced to start seeing clients again, she never would’ve-“ Alec tried to argue.

”She had Ragnor’s name ready to drop. Even if I wasn’t seeing clients, she still would’ve gotten my help. Both as a favor for an alleged friend of a friend, and my duty as High Warlock to assist any fellow warlock who needed help,” Magnus gently pointed out. “And besides, my dismissal as High Warlock was not your fault. I made the choice to align with the Seelie Queen.”

”Because of me,” Alec insisted. “I kept the Soul Sword a secret. You were just trying to do what was best for your people.” Alec shook his head. “Even if you still would’ve helped Lilith if you were High Warlock, you wouldn’t have had to get Asmodeus’s help to save Jace. You could’ve just had Catarina or any other warlock help you. Lorenzo wouldn’t have been able to forbid it.”

”That was Lorenzo’s choice. And to be honest, maybe he had a point.”

”What?” Alec asked, incredulously.

”Perhaps the animosity between us made him be a little less than delicate in his refusal to help, but I can now understand him not wanting to put the warlocks in Lilith’s crosshairs.”

”Now who’s having a charitable viewpoint?” Alec asked. “If you had still been High Warlock, it wouldn’t have been his decision to make.”

”And then I would’ve been dismissed, or worse, for abusing my position,” Magnus countered. “Maybe if I had still been High Warlock there would have been no threats to anyone else and Catarina, by her own choosing, could’ve helped without the fear of the Spiral Labryinth and being ripped away from Madzie, I’ll grant you that. But using my power as High Warlock to force others to help....it would just be the Seelie Queen all over again. Letting my personal feelings influence my decisions as a representative of the Downworld.” He squeezed Alec’s hand. “But as I said, that wasn’t your fault.”

”Of course it was,” Alec argued, “I kept the truth from you. I betrayed your trust. And not just as a boyfriend, but as claiming to want total transparency between the Institute and the Downworld. I made you lose faith in the Institute.....in me.” Magnus had nothing to say to that. He wanted to assure Alec he had never lost faith in him, but the truth was for the briefest of moments, he had. And it was something he still regretted.

”I had to do what I thought was right for my people, and you had to do what you thought was right for the Institute,” Magnus diplomatically stated. “It was a mistake to think those two things didn’t go hand in hand, but we learned from that, and all of our other mistakes and are stronger for it.”

”But I-“ Alec stopped himself, finally realizing this blame tug of war wasn’t helping them. “Okay,” he relented, “I guess...I’m just....reeling.” 

”We have had an eventful few days,” Magnus joked. “...which is the understatement of the century, and seeing as I have a few centuries under my belt I would know.”

”Yeah,” Alec murmured in agreement. “After...Halloween....I was so sure this was it. I lost you forever. I guess I’m still standing in Alicante, hearing you say you knew about the deal. Kissing you after believing I’d never get to do that again.”

”Here I was going on and on about my pain after the break up, sparing little thought to your own,” Magnus commented. He tenderly stroked Alec’s hair, his fingers lovingly tangling around one of the loose curls above his ear. “A broken heart is hard enough, but living with having had to break it yourself? Even worse.”

”I just held onto the thought that you might be happy again. That was enough. Whatever agony I put myself though, it was worth it for that.” Magnus let his hand slip down from Alec’s hair down to his shoulder.

”You really are amazing,” he lovingly mused. “I think I could live a thousand years, and still not know how I lucked into just meeting someone like you. Let alone be lucky enough to be loved so much by you.” Alec tilted his head to lean against Magnus’s hand, a content smile gracing his lips at Magnus stroking a knuckle against his cheek.

”I’m the lucky one,” Alec replied.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus and Alec comfort each other and find a way to move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the final chapter as a very belated Valentines Day present to you guys :)  
> I was tempted to say “okay this is getting really long, oop guess it’s not the final chapter after all” but seeing as this was originally going to be a one-shot I think this has gone on for enough chapters dang it!

Alec noticed the sudden distant look in Magnus’s eyes. He lifted his head, a worried frown erasing his content smile.

”What’s wrong?” He asked. Magnus blinked, returning to the here and now, and gave him a small placating smile. It wasn’t enough to do away with Alec’s frown, but he hoped it at least gave him some comfort.

”Talking about being lucky, it’s just reminding me how much of a fool I was.”

”Not possible,” Alec argued. He pulled Magnus closer and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Magnus smiled—more genuinely—into the touch, grateful for Alec’s emotional generosity.

”Thank you,” he said, before sighing and giving Alec’s shoulder a parting pat as he sat back on the couch. “But the truth is, I was. I was so focused on my own unhappiness, I didn’t see you.”

”I don’t understand.”

”The morning of...well, what would’ve been your proposal,” Magnus explained. In his time in Edom, reflecting on the “Alec and Magnus Greatest Hits”, had allowed Magnus to look back on his memories somewhat objectively. Or, more accurately, without the myopic perspective he’d had when viewing it through his pain and sadness when he wanted to erase every thought of Alec from his mind. Looking back and one particular memory, he was surprised to see things clearer than he even had when in the moment.

Alec had been distracted. Nervously buttoning his shirt in front of the mirror. He jumped to attention very quickly the moment Magnus asked if something was wrong, because how could anything be wrong in Alec’s mind right then? The smile on his face was so pure and elated when he suggested having dinner on the balcony, view of the city, the chef preparing something special. The “act innocent” deflect he had been quick to jump to when asked what the occasion was. The softness in his tone when he said “not as lucky as I am”, the heavy weight in Magnus’s heart when he knew those words should’ve lifted him out of his depression but they hadn’t. Hindsight had made Magnus want to kick himself.

”If I hadn’t been so consumed in my own thoughts, I would’ve seen the way you were acting that morning and known what was going through your head.”

”You make it sound like I was being obvious,” Alec commented, a slight pout on his lips at the thought he wasn’t as calm, collective, hiding a happy surprise, as he had thought he’d been in that moment.

”Well....” Magnus said, a grin stretching across his face.

”I was not!” Alec lightly protested, pouting some more. “I was calm and cool, totally-“

”In love,” Magnus cut in, giving Alec a tender smile which seemed to soothe his perturbed feelings. “More than just being happy about my recovery, and wanting to do something nice for your boyfriend. You had something up your sleeves.” He reached over and held Alec’s hand in his. “You are completely calm and cool when the time calls for it,” he commented, “but the truth is, when you’re with the people you care about? Your poker face? Kind of nonexistent. But that’s a good thing. It’s one of the many things I love about you.” Alec allowed the praise to sink into him, absolving his put out feelings.

“Well, if we’re looking back on that morning, then I should own up to my own blindness,” he said. He sighed and squeezed Magnus’s hand. “I should’ve seen how unhappy you were feeling. But I was too wrapped up in planning this perfect night to open my eyes.” 

Magnus thought back to that night, the flashes that were able to pierce through his drunken emotional haze. The candles. The twinkling lights. The beautiful table set with covered dishes. The flowers. The champagne he carelessly opened and poured in his aim to just continue drinking. Everything had been perfect, and he had ruined it.

”Everything was perfect. You were— _are_ —perfect. If I hadn’t been so intent on feeling sorry for myself, I would’ve seen that. And I don’t mean the candles, and the champagne. I mean you. Just you. This wonderful, loving, amazing man standing there about to ask me to spend the rest of our lives together.”

”When I told Jace, he pretty much said as much. It wouldn’t matter what I said or did, spending the rest of your life with me was going to make you the happiest man in the world,” Alec recounted. Magnus felt a light airy feeling in his chest. Alec sharing news of the impending proposal with those he cared about. Announcing his love for Magnus and plans to be bound together forever. Sharing how he felt, when back when Magnus first met him Alec kept all of his feelings tightly guarded, highlighted how much Alec had grown and evolved since then.

”Well, your parabatai is very wise,” Magnus complimented. “Because I am the happiest man in the world.” He sighed. “I just wish I hadn’t..” He let the sentence hang. There were so many things he wished he had or hadn’t done. “I wish I hadn’t been so blind. That morning, later that night on the balcony. Your mother’s bookstore...” He felt Alec tense, the memory of that painful night striking him again. “I should’ve seen right through what you were saying. You could barely look at me. All those things you said...if I had actually taken a moment to....I don’t know, think? I would’ve seen the metaphorical gun held to your head.”

”You did,” Alec noted. “You said it wasn’t me.” Magnus nodded. In his disbelief and hearing Alec’s words, he had come close to stumbling upon the truth. Alec was not that selfish. He never was, and never could be.

”So, you panicked,” Magnus theorized. “Did a....what is that sports saying? Hail Mary?” Alec swallowed thickly, as if attempting to shove down the bile rising as he remembered his own words.

”Yeah...” He sadly murmured. “I was afraid you’d get it the longer we kept talking. I’d do or say something to give it away. I got desperate. Just.....said the one thing I...” He choked on his words, tears gathering in his eyes. “The one thing I knew would hurt you the most.” Magnus nodded along, a solemn expression on his face. 

_“Days ago I didn’t know the spark inside of you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good.”_

”The one thing I’d believe, because I’d thought just as much myself,” he commented. “When Lorenzo took back his magic, you swore that my powers weren’t what made you fall in love with me. Fool that I was, I didn’t believe it completely. I saw myself as ordinary, useless. In no way deserving of your love.” He heard Alec take in a shuddering breath as a few tears slipped down his cheeks. 

Speaking those words had been like chugging down demon ichor to Alec. His tongue, lips, throat, everything burned with the corrosive taste. He wanted to—tried to—run away the moment they left his mouth. He couldn’t be around Magnus’s hurt and betrayed expression a moment longer for fear he’d crumble. Take Magnus in his arms, sob into his shoulder that he didn’t mean a single word he’d just said. Beg his forgiveness. Propose to him right then and there. Swear he’d never leave his side. Kiss him until they were both breathless.

”I almost...” Alec tried to speak, his voice hoarse from sobs just on the edge of breaking free. “When you stopped me from leaving....I nearly....” He pulled his hand free of Magnus’s hold and covered his face with his hands, overcome with the memories of that night. He felt Magnus slide closer to him and wrap his arms around his shoulders. Comfort, strength, forgiveness, a reminder they’d weathered that storm. Alec leaned into the hold and was able to draw from it enough to let his hands fall from his face. “I hated hurting you....of being one more thing you had to lose.......” His voice faltered again. “....that that’d be the very last time we’d kiss....But....”

”You wanted me to get back everything I’d lost,” Magnus concluded for him. “I lost my powers, my job, my home,” he continued, repeating his own words as realization dawned on him. He’d pushed Alec back from giving into his temptation of taking back everything he’d said. He ticked off all the things he lost, all the things Alec was sure he’d get back if he let him go. Magnus begging Alec to stay had strengthen Alec’s resolve to leave.

”Break your heart, to save your life,” Alec repeated the words Asmodeus had sneered to him. Magnus drew him even closer and kissed the side of his head, marveling—for not the first time since learning the truth—at Alec’s strength and selflessness. 

“I’m so sorry for doubting you, doubting _**us**_ , so completely,” he murmured against Alec’s skin, begging for his forgiveness just as fervently as Alec was begging for his.

”I made you doubt,” Alec insisted, once again tugging the blame onto himself. 

”No, no, Alexander,” Magnus vehemently insisted. He sat up and took Alec’s face in his hands again, making him look at him. “I’m the one who made myself doubt. I was insecure and self loathing, that wasn’t your fault. You did everything in your power to get me to see past that. I couldn’t. I was too wrapped up in myself, in everything I’d lost, to genuinely see what I still had. Please, don’t ever blame yourself,” he begged. He rubbed his thumb along Alec’s cheek, wiping away some of his tears. 

”I’ll try,” Alec muttered in a small raw voice.

”Come here,” Magnus requested as he maneuvered Alec on the couch, turning him away so that his back pressed to Magnus’s chest. He encouraged Alec to lie against him, relax, lean on him for support, as one arm slid across Alec’s middle. He raised his other arm, and with a wave of his hand summoned a glass of water. “Drink this.” He handed the glass to Alec, who gratefully took it. Magnus lightly caressed Alec’s hair as Alec drank, just providing him with as much comfort and love as he could.

It was clear the days had caught up to Alec. The emotional upheavals of their breakup, their reunion, their separation; Alec’s determination to get him back. Not to mention everything with Jonathan, and the attack on Alicante in between all of that. Then, on top of everything, all the effects the Alliance rune and traveling to Edom must’ve had on his energy. Perhaps discussing everything should’ve waited until the morning, after they—especially Alec—had had a proper sleep. Revisiting their emotional turmoil when Alec was likely exhausted, both mentally and physically, wasn’t the wisest of of ideas.

”I’m okay,” Alec said as he took the last few sips from the glass, his voice a little less weak and vulnerable, as if he had read Magnus’s thoughts. 

“Never said you weren’t,” Magnus innocently replied. He took the now empty glass from Alec and set it on the table with their other abandoned drinks. “I’m just enjoying holding you in my arms.” He heard Alec give a small unconvinced huff, but he nestled deeper into his embrace none the less. 

”Uh huh, sure. You’re just lucky I enjoy being in your arms,” Alec teased. Magnus smiled and dropped a kiss on his forehead.

”I’m lucky about a lot of things when it comes to you,” he lovingly replied, thinking back to earlier parts of their conversation. He felt Alec further relax against him, his head leaning back to rest against Magnus’s shoulder, weightless. As if drinking some water and lounging in his love’s embrace had been just the ticket to take the entire world off his shoulders.

”For what it’s worth, my poker face is impeccable,” Alec joked after a while. “No way you could have known I was going to propose. It would’ve taken you completely by surprise.”

”Whatever you say, pup,” Magnus teased.

”Hey,” Alec lightly protested, making Magnus chuckle.

”Alright, alright,” Magnus said, “yes, Alexander, you’re the master of poker faces. Lady Gaga herself would envy you. No matter what was going through my head, I would never have known what you were planning. Better?” 

”Much,” Alec replied, satisfied.

”In any case,” Magnus went on to say, holding Alec closer and resting his chin on the top of Alec’s head, “my not seeing you were up to something that morning wasn’t my only moment of being too blind to see what was right in front of me. I should have seen right through Asmodeus the moment he showed up. My pain called out to him? Please,” Magnus grumbled with a roll of his eyes. “You break up with me, and not even twelve hours later he’s returning my magic? I’m actually disappointed in myself for overlooking that obvious timing.” Alec felt the rise and fall of Magnus’s chest as he sighed, his annoyance at himself for not making the connection sooner evident. “The first thing I did once Asmodeus returned my magic was portal away from him. If I’d had had half a brain I would’ve gone to the Institute, sought you out, and confronted you as to whether our break up and Asmodeus’s ‘generosity’ were in any way connected.”

”Where did you go?” Alec curiously asked. 

”Just, away,” Magnus replied. “Back to what I’d been doing before seeing Asmodeus: wandering the streets, deep in thought.” He paused a moment, his face twisting into a wince. “Annnd I may have broken off our ‘love’ lock and....vaporized it,” he sheepishly admitted. 

“What?” Alec asked.

”Just another thing I’m not proud of,” Magnus sighed. Alec turned his head and kissed the side of his jaw.

”I guess that just means we’ll have to put a new one on as soon as we can,” Alec declared. “Maybe go back to Paris at some point, and put one on that bridge too just for good measure.”

”Our eternal love going intercontinental? Hmm, I like the sound of that,” Magnus said, smiling. 

”Good,” Alec replied, pleased. “Anyway, don’t blame yourself. You had no way of knowing the break up and Asmodeus were in any way connected.”

”And yet it took Maryse less than a second to realize it,” Magnus pointed out.

”My mother?” Alec asked, frowning in confusion. “What do you mean?” 

”She didn’t tell you?” At the feeling of Alec shaking his head against his shoulder, Magnus cocked his head in surprise, and then frowned utterly perplexed as a thought occurred to him. “You really had no idea? How did you think I learned about the ring and....well, everything?” 

”I don’t know,” Alec said with a shrug. He paused to think for a moment. “I guess I just assumed....I don’t know, maybe Asmodeus let something slip in a moment of gloating or....” He shook his head and shrugged again. “Something? And as for the ring....okay, I guess I assumed you must’ve seen her after finding out. Maybe to find me? And she told you about the ring.”

”Nothing so drawn out,” Magnus replied. “She came to see me. Or, well, came here to see Lorenzo in hopes he’d know how to find me. By that point Asmodeus and I had already....reclaimed...my apartment.”

”I had no idea,” Alec commented, surprised. “She asked why she hadn’t heard from either of us since....” Alec let the sentence trail off in an attempt to avoid reopening the wound. “She was worried that she’d said or done something to make me not propose, so I told her about the breakup.”

”And I’m assuming in doing so, you mentioned something about my being whole again?” Magnus asked.

”She tried to understand why, and in my...I don’t know...need to just run away from it all I blurted out that I had to. That it was the only way you’d be whole again.”

”Well, in the absence of answers from you she tried to get some from me. Ironically, she was the one to give me all of the answers I needed.” Magnus couldn’t help smile at the turn of events. “I talked to her out in the hall, I...I don’t know what I was more worried about. Asmodeus seeing her and....I don’t even know....seeing a plaything? Someone to torment? Or Maryse seeing me with him and,” he paused, looking back on what had been going through his head in that moment, “I guess, being utterly disappointed in me?” Magnus shrugged, putting a pin in that to unpack later. “Either way, I just didn’t want either of them clapping eyes on each other, so I used my magic to shut the door and keep her out of it. It was like the cartoon light bulb went off over her head right then.” 

”She figured it out,” Alec marveled.

”Mm,” Magnus murmured in the affirmative. “To say your mother is brilliant would be a massive understatement. She saw my magic had returned, made the connection to what you said about me becoming whole again, and went from there. She told me you loved me, showed me the Lightwood family ring, that you’d planned on giving it to me. I was still a little slow in the uptake, not understanding how you went from wanting to propose to breaking my heart.” He felt Alec tense against him again, and tightened his hold around him to remind Alec he’d long since forgiven him. “She made me stop and open my eyes to the timing of everything I’d been so blind to. Laid out all of the dots before me, with enough breadcrumbs even if I’d literally been blind I’d been able to connect them on my own.”

”That must’ve been devastating,” Alec sympathized. “Even with everything you’ve been through with him in the past...he was your father. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must’ve felt like to find out he wanted you to go through that pain.” Alec understood a parent having trouble accepting a relationship. He could understand harsh treatment. But regardless how strict or even cold his mother might’ve been in her previous life with her focus solely on putting so much stock in the family name and expecting her children to adhere to certain standards, he was never outright hurt by his mother. She never sought out to blatantly sabotage him. There was anger at how she’d simply towed the company line regarding Jace and his time under Valentine’s thumb, but even beneath her tight grip on “orders”, even with her staunch loyalty to the Clave, Alec saw her heart had been breaking. She wasn’t a perfect mother back then. Far from it. But he knew even at her worse she never would’ve been capable of what Asmodeus had put Magnus through. 

Magnus placed a kiss on the crown of Alec’s head, touched by his concern for his feelings. “It was enlightening, to say the least.” He heard Alec give a curious hum at his choice of words. “It was interesting,” Magnus went on to explain. “I had to re-examine things I’d known to be true for so long suddenly upended. On both sides.” Alec tilted his gaze up to look at him, silently urging him to continue. “On the one hand, there was Asmodeus. I’d spent centuries knowing deep down in my bones that his version of ‘fatherly love’ was twisted and dark, completely in his own self interest. Then, in my moment of pain, I allowed myself to foolishly reconsider that. Maybe I’d been wrong? Or at the very least, he’d somehow grown or changed. At least, that’s what I made myself believe in order to justify trusting him. Then, after finding out the truth and how he just....couldn’t even bother to pretend have an ounce of guilt or remorse when I confronted him. I told him you were going to propose, and to him that was just ‘mundane’, something I’d get out of my system. Nonsense. All he cared about was power, ruling Edom. Imperial magic.” Magnus sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, hackles rising as he remembered their confrontation. “I realized I was right all along. There was nothing fatherly or loving inside of him.”

”Magnus, I’m so sorry,” Alec sympathetically murmured. Magnus rested his cheek on his head, yet again touched.

”Well, the other side of that same coin was you,” he continued. “I knew the real you. Your boundless love, goodness, your open and generous heart. It was one of life’s stalwart certainties. And I doubted that. I doubted you. After our breakup I looked back on every moment with you in this bitter haze, wondering if it’d all been a lie and I had been wrong about you.” He held Alec closer, cutting off any renewed guilt rising in Alec before it had a chance to manifest. “But then after seeing the truth, I realized I was right about you in the first place. More than that, I saw I had clearly underestimated the lengths you’d go to out of your love for me.” He kissed Alec’s head again. “So, yes, it was devastating to be reminded how callous Asmodeus really was, but the trade off of that was my broken heart mending back together as if I’d done it myself with a snap of my fingers. My love for you multiplying exponentially as I was in awe of your selflessness....I guess it was like a balm on whatever hurt I felt regarding my father.” Magnus had tried to avoid acknowledge Asmodeus as his father, but holding himself back from it, fearing the association, only gave the demon power he no longer had any right to. “Sending him off to limbo hurt, yes, but it was worth it to be free of him.”

”Magnus,” Alec quietly exclaimed, bolting upright from Magnus’s hold and turning to face him. “I....had no idea that’s what you...how...” He honestly hadn’t even thought about what had happened to Asmodeus. Looking back, he probably should’ve wondered. Asmodeus wasn’t loose in the city, nor was he in Edom doing who knows what during Magnus’s time there. Magnus had been completely alone in the coming threat of Lilith. But in all truth, Alec just didn’t think of him. Magnus could’ve outright killed the demon for all Alec cared. Yet, hearing Magnus say he’d sent him off to an eternity in limbo made Alec’s heart break for Magnus. Manipulative bastard or not, it was still his father.

”Please, Alexander, I don’t want you sparing a single ounce of sympathy to him,” Magnus insisted.

”It’s not for him, it’s for you,” Alec replied, placing a hand on Magnus’s cheek.

”It’s not necessary,” Magnus assured him as he leaned into the touch. “Maybe I should regret it, but I don’t. He never would’ve changed into the sort of father I might’ve once wished he’d become, and banishing him to Edom would’ve just let him claw his way back into my life— _our lives_ —some day. And who knows what his spite and anger over this latest ‘slight’ would’ve led him to do. I doubt he would’ve just stopped at breaking us up.” 

”Asmodeus kind of takes disapproving in-law to a whole new level,” Alec remarked. He could see Magnus face darken with the ‘what if’ scenarios cooking in his mind of what Asmodeus could have inflicted on Magnus and those he loved—Alec, in particular—if he’d had the opportunity. Alec hoped to wave away the fears of what would never come to pass with a small dose of levity. The small chuckle that came out of Magnus told Alec he’d been successful in that regard. 

“To put it mildly,” Magnus joked in kind. “Guess I lucked out in the in-law department.” 

”Looks like it,” Alec smiled, still marveling at how his mother had been the catalyst to bring them back together. 

“Just another one of life’s little ironies,” Magnus replied with a happy hum. “At the wedding after our first kiss if someone had told me Maryse Lightwood, the woman so opposed to the dastardly warlock stealing her son’s heart, would one day be our greatest champion....well, I’d wonder exactly how many blows to the head they must’ve taken,” he laughed.

”Thank the angel for her stubbornness and looking for answers no matter what,” Alec remarked. “I can’t even think about how differently things might’ve gone without it.” But the truth was, he _could_ think about it. He did. Now awful ‘what if’ scenarios flashed through his mind.   
  


Magnus would’ve gone on believing Alec hadn’t wanted to stay with him. He could’ve been vulnerable to Asmodeus further manipulating him. Magnus could’ve been so deep in his pain he would’ve become everything he feared his father could shape him into being.

Magnus would’ve hated Alec. If they ever crossed paths again, Alec would spend the rest of his life steeling himself to weather the hate. He knew Magnus enough to know how icy and stone cold his gaze could be to the right (or wrong) person. Alec would’ve had that to look forward to as he held the truth in his throat. He would’ve tried to avoid Magnus as much as he could. Let Magnus believe he couldn’t stand the sight of him if it meant not being in the same room as him and risking his resolve. Keep himself from blurting out how he really felt, how every word he’d said that night in the shop had been a lie.

Years of Isabelle, Jace, and everyone else he loved alternating between giving him pitying looks, urging him to tell Magnus the truth, and threatening to do it themselves. Especially Jace, most likely. The searing pain cutting through to him via their parabatai link anytime Alec saw Magnus would’ve absolutely spurred Jace into some sort of action. 

To say nothing of the predicament he and Isabelle had been in when Magnus made his timely appearance in Alicante, fireballing a demon over their heads. Had Magnus not learned the truth and portaled in when he did, he and Isabelle might not even had survived. No need to worry about years of the love of your life despising you, if you’re dead.

”Then don’t think about it,” Magnus spoke, cutting through the possible futures swirling in Alec’s head. He’d seen the look in Alec’s eyes and had had no doubt what had been going on in his fiancé’s head. “In fact, I say we put a moratorium on any more depressing thoughts,” he added, his tone both playful and determined. “The things we’ve endured, both to our relationship and the fate of the world and everything we hold dear, are behind us. We survived. We’re on the other side of it, together.”

“Together being the best part,” Alec commented, a smile on his lips.

”My thoughts exactly,” Magnus said in kind. “We’re never going to agree on who’s fault was what. I’d imagine we could be celebrating our twentieth....fiftieth....anniversary, and still be playing that game of tug of war.” Alec’s eyes lit up at the notion of twenty or fifty, however many, years together, bickering on such things like an old married couple. Because that’s what they will be. “So,” Magnus continued, “I say we just push all of that onto the unholy trinity of Valentine, Lilith, and Jonathan. Their actions started all of this. Especially with Valentine being the one setting things in motion with his little ‘experiments’ on his son....along with his in general being psychotic.”

”Sounds fair,” Alec said, unable to keep from chuckling at Magnus’s determined face. “Although, to be fair, it was Valentine’s search for the Mortal Cup that lead to us meeting,” he pointed out.

”I’d rather give that credit to Biscuit,” Magnus said with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Mortal Cup or no, Clary would still have been searching for her memories, for her own sake. Our first meeting might’ve been less...” Magnus breathed deeply, as if about to swoon at the memory, “tall dark and handsome dashing archer coming in to save my life, without the pressing urgent danger,” he grinned at seeing Alec’s cheeks tint with a blush, “but I’m sure Clary’s search for answers, or the Institute needing the High Warlock of Brooklyn’s assistance for some other matter, really any sort of twist of fate, would’ve found a way to have our paths cross.”

”That’s a nice thought,” Alec agreed. As much as he might’ve bristled at the idea of the lack of agency in his life if it was all at matter of fate, he liked the idea that he and Magnus were somehow meant to be. No matter the circumstance, no matter where their lives separately took them, in the end something would lead them to each other. An unseen force would draw them to each other, be it destiny or chance. He would always have found Magnus. He would always find the man who gave him the push he needed to be his best, true, self.

”Mm, indeed,” Magnus replied with a nod.

Clary had once told him of the things she saw in her trip to an alternate world. She’d been astonished how even in a world without Shadowhunters, a world where Valentine wasn’t a crazed madman, a world where everything was “ordinary”, much of her life—namely those in it—was still the same. She still had Simon as her best friend. She still had Alec and Isabelle in her life. She was still in love with Jace. She’d given Magnus a smile, glancing at the bowls of cream set out on the terrace for the day’s feline visitors, how even in that world he still had a love of cats.

_”The only thing missing was you,” she’d noted, remarking that it was her hijacking her doppelgänger’s body that brought him into her life. There’d been a note of sadness in her tone, as if she wondered if had it not been for that journey, that Clary would’ve never met that Magnus._

_”Oh, Biscuit,” Magnus had cooed, putting an arm around her. “It sounds like everything was as it should be. Even without your influence, I’m sure our alternate reality counterparts would’ve met somehow.”_

_”I hope so,” she’d said, leaning her head on his shoulder. “Maybe one day that Clary would’ve gone to ‘Magnus Bane, tarot card reader and psychic’ for spiritual guidance,” she grinned._

Back then, Clary had chuckled at how even though the spirit of things were much the same, a lot of things were vastly different. Alec was a confident, flashy, and outgoing event planner, Isabelle was shy and bookish, Magnus had “a lot less.....flare,” as Clary had put it with a wave of her hands as if to imitate him, and Simon and Isabelle were a couple and on the verge of moving in together. 

Given how Simon and Isabelle were now clearly on the road to romantic bliss in this world, clearly there were some things that were set it stone to happen. By hook or by crook, life would play out as it was meant to. That was a lovely thought. Perhaps somewhere out there, the different versions of Magnus and Alec were together. Whether assisted by chance or Clary (be it the machinations of the Clary visiting that world, or something done by that world’s Clary), somehow the polar opposite versions of themselves were brought into each other’s orbit. The universal truth of all of their pairings was rather romantic.

 _”We always seem to find our way back to each other.”_ Alec’s words before their previous breakup floated to the front of Magnus’s mind. The way Alec held on to him, his voice filled with that **certainty** , a **hope** for forgiveness, and a **promise** to do better by Magnus from then on, trying so hard to penetrate Magnus’s fears. The same foundations that had helped him survive his time in Edom. The things that could help him survive anything.

”Where’d you go?” Magnus heard Alec ask, his voice and a gentle hand on his cheek bringing Magnus back to the present.

”Hm?” He asked.

”You got this thousand yard stare for a second. Everything okay?” 

”Everything’s perfect,” Magnus smiled, giving Alec a quick kiss. “I was just thinking. Things from the past, and how we move forward. I think....as long as we hold onto some very important things, we’ll be fine—no, more than fine, perfect—no matter what comes at us.”

”Oh? And what’s that?” Alec inquired, unable to keep from grinning at the upbeat aura Magnus had begun to radiate. 

“Certainty, hope, and a promise,” Magnus replied with a self assured smile.

”Okay....” Alec said, waiting for him to explain.

”Well, first off,” he said, rising to his feet. He was once again consumed by an energy that kept him from sitting still. Only now it wasn’t anxiety, or shame, it was excitement. The excitement of his future with Alec, the love that brought them to where they were, and everything they would face hand in hand with it. “While every couple always says they’d do anything for the person they love....we get to be one of the few certain that that’s not just being hyperbolic. Clearly, as the young ones put it, we have ’no chill’ in that regard.” He stepped and turned to Alec in full flashy drama as he put on this presentation. From the wide smile on Alec’s face, it was clear his performance was well received.

”That feels a little self destructive,” Alec teased.

”I’m not saying we _should_ go the self-sacrificing route,” Magnus replied, “in fact I’d rather we didn’t. But,” he shrugged, “there is something comforting in knowing each of us would. No insecure fretting ‘oh, does he love me this much? Will he always love me?’ Because we know. We know each of us is willing to do anything to make the one we love happy.” He frowned slightly. “Maybe that’s something we should just.... _know_.....and not need undeniable proof, but..okay, this was better in my head....”

“No, I get what you’re saying,” Alec assured him. “It’s a certainty. No doubts, no internal wondering.” Magnus smiled, relieved Alec followed his less than perfectly articulated logic. Just yet another certainty between them becoming clear as the dust settled. 

”Exactly,” Magnus said, happy to be understood.

”And the other two?” Alec prompted. “What’s the hope we hang onto?” 

”That the darkest chapter in our story is behind us,” Magnus replied. “I’m not saying everything has to be just complete smooth sailing, I’m not that naive. Just....a hope that nothing shakes us so badly again and threatens to come between us.” 

”At least, until...” Alec trailed off, his smile fading. He sighed, shaking his head and rubbed his forehead as he looked away from Magnus. “I’m sorry, you said no more depressing thoughts,” he mumbled. Magnus stepped closer to him and placed a hand on his cheek, making Alec meet his eyes.

”Even that,” he gently told Alec, his gaze and touch as tender and soft as possible. 

”Really?” Alec asked, skeptical. The last time Alec had brought up the inescapable truth that one day he’d die, Magnus didn’t even want to think of something so horrible. Yet, here he was implying it couldn’t be worse than what they’d already overcome.

”Yes, really,” Magnus stated. He kneeled on the floor in front of Alec, placing his hands on his fiancé’s lap. “There was a time that I thought that would be the worst thing to ever happen. That whenever that day comes, it’ll break me.”

”And now?” Alec asked.

“Now I know that nothing, even losing you like that, would be worse that thinking you didn’t love me anymore. I’ve loved and lost—whether due to things not working out, or the curse of time and mortality—but that, the pain I felt after you walked away that night, was so much more. I could hardly breathe.” Alec placed his hands on Magnus’s, as if needing to prove to them both he’d never walk away again. “Thinking our past was just...nothing, and there’d be no future...it was unbearable,” Magnus continued to elaborate. 

”Even if that means one day there really won’t be a future anymore?” Alec asked. He wondered if this prodding was really necessary, why dwell on the grim future? But he couldn’t help it.

”Well, I’d like to think we still have quite a future left between now and then,” Magnus smartly teased. “When I was in Edom, this,” he continued, lifting his hand to show off the ring Alec had given him, “was one of my only comforts. Having that _certainty_ that I was wrong, you did love me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me? It was like a cozy warm blanket. The only downside was thinking I’d never see you again. The years we still had together would never happen. Now?” Magnus’s happy smile returned and he squeezed Alec’s hands. “I have them back, I have you back. I have all the wonderful memories we have yet to make to look forward to; the places our lives and careers take us, Clary and Jace, or Isabelle and Simon getting married, Max growing up, us continuing to be insufferable spoiling ‘Uncles’ as Madzie grows up,” he smiled at the small laugh from Alec that gave him. He sat back on his heels, his hands still holding Alec’s. “And when the day comes that I have to lose you, I know now I won’t ever _actually_ lose you.”

”How so?” Alec asked.

”I’ll have even more memories than I do now...our wedding, our life together, for starters. I’ll have pieces of you all around me. Parts of you in my heart, and the hearts of those we care about. Your influence and love every time I look at Madzie, Max or Isabelle’s or Jace’s children. Our...” His voice caught for a moment at the happy thought. “Our children, if that’s something we have ahead of us.”

“Oh?” Alec asked, delight shining in his eyes at the thought of raising a family with Magnus. 

”One step at a time, dear,” Magnus teased. “My point is, Alexander,” he continued, “you will never be just an arrowhead in a box. Centuries from now, I’ll still have you. Your side of the bed might be empty, but you’ll live on as I sit and regale Herondale and Lightwood great great great grandchildren with tales of the dashing archer that stole my heart away, and gave me his. I’ll see all the changes to the Institute, the Clave, everything you’ll have been a part of-“

”Let’s not get carried away,” Alec modestly chuckled.

”I mean it,” Magnus insisted. ”I don’t doubt your instincts, your ambition, and your open mind, are going to do amazing things. And getting to be by your side for all of it? It’s incredible. Your legacy will keep on going thousands of years from now.”

”If, and that’s a big if,” Alec began, “if any of that does happen...you wouldn’t just be by my side. It’d be your legacy and influence too.”

”Well then, all the more reason to look forward to all of that,” Magnus smiled. He rubbed his thumbs along the back of Alec’s hands. “Everything we’ve recently endured, it’s just...given me a new perspective. I’m not going to be scared of the future, pretend it doesn’t exist if I don’t even think about it. Of course it’ll be hard to lose you, to not hold you and kiss you, to not wake up to your adorable little snores every morning,” he laughed at Alec’s indignant look at that, “but if the alternative is not having a future with you at all? I’ll gladly take that pain down the line over that.”

”I guess I can understand getting a new perspective on things,” Alec thoughtfully murmured. “It’s like....” He paused, shaking his head. “No, never mind.”

”What?” Magnus asked, urging him to say what was on his mind.

”I guess....there’s some things that changed my perspective on the matter too.” He pulled one of his hands free of Magnus’s hold and sheepishly ran it through his hair. “When you were sick because of Lorenzo’s magic....when I was so afraid I’d lose you....I knew I couldn’t lose you. The little fantasy of us being old and gray together was nice and all, but...” He paused again as he tried to find the right way to voice his thoughts. “It became a little less nice if considering the chance you’d be the first to go.”

”If you became the widower, instead of me,” Magnus supplied, cutting to the chase and getting to the center of what Alec was saying. 

”Yeah,” Alec breathed out, “having that scare, it made it clear to me I don’t ever want to live without you. But with you as a mortal, there was a chance I’d have to. I guess....there’s a part of me, now that we’re back together and you have your magic....feels relived that I don’t....” He groaned. “Jeez it sounds so selfish.”

”No, no it’s not Alexander,” Magnus replied in a soothing tone. He moved back onto the couch and put his arms around Alec’s shoulders.

”I hate that I’m...I’m happy that you’re the one who has to deal with that pain some day.”

”Alexander, that’s perfectly natural. I can’t think of a single couple that deeply love each other where those involved haven’t at least once had the thought ‘I hope I’m the one to go first’. It’s not selfish.

”I just don’t think I’d have the strength to live without you, and....”

”You figured, with my long life and my past, I’d find a way to do it, I understand,” Magnus assured him. He kissed the shell of Alec’s ear. “It’s not selfish at all,” he said. “And I could take it as a bit of an ego boost,” he joked. “You can’t bear to live without me.” Alec laughed and leaned against him.

”Anyway,” Alec said, joining in on Magnus’s playfulness, “being old and gray with my gorgeous ‘young’ husband on my arm? Maybe not the worst thing in the world,” he grinned. “Talk about an ego boost.”

”Ooh, Alexander my handsome silver fox,” Magnus crooned, ”yet another thing to look forward to.” 

“Really?” Alec teased.

”Mmhmm. My tall dark and handsome dashing husband, becoming more distinguished and delectable like a fine wine,” Magnus said in a sultry manner as he kissed Alec’s cheek.

”Delectable, huh?” Alec chuckled.

”Well, more delectable than he already is,” Magnus grinned. Alec chuckled again. He turned and met Magnus's lips in a soft lingering kiss. He leaned his forehead against Magnus's with a content sigh. 

"So, what's the promise?" Alec asked.

"Hmm? Oh!" Magnus quietly exclaimed as he and Alec sat up. "Here I am thinking about how delectable you are, I nearly forgot." Alec laughed.

"I'm sorry for distracting you," he said with a grin.

"It's a pleasant distraction, don't ever be sorry for that," Magnus replied. He leaned in and gave Alec a quick peck on the lips. "Well, now that I think of it, it's more like two promises--one from me, and one from the both of us." Alec simply nodded, silently urging him to continue. "First off," Magnus began, taking hold of Alec's hand. "I promise never to doubt you again," he stated; his tone was soft, regretful that he'd ever for a moment believe Alec would cast him off as he had. Alec raised their joined hands and placed a gentle kiss on the back of Magnus's palm.

"Well, then, I promise never to give you reason to doubt me again," he replied. Magnus opened his mouth, ready to argue that point. He stopped himself upon realizing it would just be another twirl around the merry-go-round of fault he was trying to put a stop to.

"Fair enough," he conceded.

"What's the second promise?" Alec prompted.

"Well, it occurred to me that the bumps in our relationship tend to show up when the lines of communication between us get a little....hmm, fuzzy?" He offered. "We've each said to the other before to not push each other away when things get crazy, but we haven't always stuck to that. Which neither of us is more to blame than the other. It just happened. So, I propose an addendum to not pushing each other away. We promise that we don't isolate ourselves from each other when troubles arise. Perhaps that sounds the same but," Magnus paused as he tried to find the right words. "I don't know, maybe it is. But the point is; we stop thinking every trouble has to be carried on one pair of shoulders alone. We promise each other that we pull one another closer instead of pushing each other away. Devastating news, horrible revelations, whatever it is, we face it together with open communication." He paused again to take in Alec's reaction. "What do you think?"

"I think you're right," Alec replied with a nod. "Relationships take effort," he added, making Magnus smile as he thought back to the end of their first date, "and part of that effort is being open with each other. Every obstacle we've faced and, thankfully, overcome, had to do with keeping things to ourselves until they bubble up and blow up in our faces: the soul sword, your concerns about the Clave and the Downworld, your box, my fears about becoming a burden to you someday," Magnus squeezed Alec's hand as if to reiterate his once said assurance that Alec could never be a burden to him, "everything surrounding Lorenzo's magic, me speaking to Asmodeus...." Alec gave a small chuckle and shook his head, "do you think I covered everything?" He joked.

"Eh, enough," Magnus replied in kind.

"Good," Alec said with another chuckle. "But, yeah, like I said, you're right. Especially now, with us getting married, we have to promise to always remember we're not alone in whatever fight comes before us. We lean on each other, pull strength from one another, and face it together." Magnus smiled and gave Alec a kiss.

"Beautifully said, Alexander," he said.

The two leaned back on the couch in each others arms, the difficult talks behind them and their path to the future ahead of them. Magnus was right, their certainty, hope, and promises, could carry them through anything. Each part holding them up equally like a tripod, reminding them that they always had each other, nothing could be worse than having to push each other away, and to always remember they didn't need to go through anything alone. As long as they kept those truths near to their hearts, the soon to be husbands could weather any storm.

**END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I kiiiiiiinda lied. This isn't the *real* final chapter. There is a little more, but given that it's a little bit ~spicy~, and I didn't want to raise the rating for the whole story over one chapter, I decided to split that into a separate continuing fic. Thank you all for the kudos, comments, bookmarks, etc. It's really meant a lot to see you guys enjoy my little fic. Let me know if you want the spicy epilouge sooner rather than later ;)


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